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SatinRabbit
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Name: Jeshikah?
Gender: Female
Interests: All music, except country and rap.
Poetry and lyrics with meaning.
I'll gladly devour any book I get my hands on.
Snogging...
British humour
The french language irrisistable and seductive.
The Irish rock!
Accents, I have a weakness for accents...
I have a Passion for art, all art.
I love to sing, I desperatly wish I had a band.
Expertise: Fixing peoples problems, Art (drawing and computer dessign),
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
MSN: jessicastacey89@hotmail.com
Member Since:
10/2/2004
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| To love is to burn, to be on fire! It is magnificent, majestic. How would I do without it? Even after I tell him no, he still takes the opportunity to speak to me. If it’s but one word, one sentence, he still makes his presence known in my life for a moment if he can. Is it wrong to keep him close to my heart, and care for no one else not at his level? It seems impossible that I’ll ever meet anyone like him again. Which is why I cast myself about chasing what I think I want. I want depth, I want feeling. I want someone who cares about me, who will notice the tiny little things, even I over look about myself. Is it so wrong to have standards like that? Can they be met? I’m just a stupid 17 year old girl, with want of a more romantic life. If infuriates me that I’m denied that. That I’m denied him. It still hurts a little, but it’s comforting to know that the pain has dulled. | | |
| Whenever I get off the school bus and walk home, the air is filled with the smell of wild roses. It brings a smile to my lips everytime I smell them. Ahh but today a smile couldn't hide how I was feeling. Dejected really. The thing about blue eyes, Nicole says, is that you can always tell how the person who has them feels. They're so expressive. I couldn't hide my discontentment at being cheated out of my smile. Hmmm tomorrow to get through and then the weekend. Hopefully monday will be more promising | | |
| Mmmmm been too long. The rainy song in my ears echoes the pitter patter of the weather outside. Banana pancakes no longer makes me feel that pang of sadness it usually does. That's my little triumph of the day. Boats and birds no longer evokes the same somber memories as it used to. All the music on my MP3 kinda just makes me happy about life right now. Today was fun. Caity and I went for our ritualistic weekly Momo's treat. Lately the sushi-a-thon hasn't been as jovial as it usually is. Caity's been preoccupied with her ex, whose swept back into her life making everything hazy and confusing for her. She’s happy though. Today she was back to her old self. We had a really good talk and I tried by best to listen, which I’m not very good at. A friend of mines been getting really mad at me lately cause she says I'm not listening to her and simply interjecting my stories into hers. I dunno who’s in the wrong, I want to let it go cause she’s been working more than 5 shifts a week during school and I know she’s tired. But what she said stung. Being laptop-less is driving me slowly insane. I went to see it tonight at the repair shop and they had all her guts ripped out and arranged neatly on the table. I was horrified to see my baby in such a state of disgrace haha. That stupid piece of machineries gunna cost me...
I miss talking to my new chat-buddy. He’s super sweet and I like the conversations we have. It’s just nice to find a complete stranger to fill that spot I was missing. Mmmm and lusting after beautiful immigrants is taking its toll on me. #1 its spring and I seriously feel like I’m in heat. #2 I have no way of actually TALKING with this guy unless it's a quick hi in the hall way and a flash of that gorgeous white smile. I'm beginning to miss my "myspace". Defiantly going through withdrawals. It would be so easy to...just....message him.
"Hey, whats shaken sweets?"
And we go from there. My outgoing-ness will scare him away apparently. As if the orange/yellow hair and strappy guess short-shorts hasn't already. Bleh, | | |
| Ahhhhh highschool bullshit. It's funny to know, as soon as I'm forgotten, they'll all go back to hating eachother. Lol...It's an undenyable patters and I'm glad I'm finally out of it. My friends have been really supportive of me getting rid of the poisonous parts of my life. The sun warmed every inch of earth where I live today. I spent lunch lolling on the grass with friends, kicking my feet up in the air and getting grass stains all over my pants. And occationally letting my eyes slip to my new affection. Nicole said his smile lit up the sky haha. I'll probably never even know him, most likely forget about him in a week. But I liked watching him run after the frisbee like a crazy little puppy. Even after I went in, I could still feel the summer heat in my skin. Ditched photography to go back to the grass but ended up tagging allong with friends to Starbucks. Ohhhh caffeen fix...Bleh, Mikes back in my life, bad timeing haha, but I'm kinda glad. Once bitten twice shy, I haven't been as open as I used to be with him. Being super warry, testing the water I suppose. Cleaned up the house, went to take photos of some car wrecks in the bush, and came home for a cat nap. Man...I should have been born a cat.
Anyways, much love | | |
| Well, it's finally over.
I feel so empty...Kind of like the feeling I'd expect would follow the death of a family member. I don't feel, it's just shock. What have I done? It went something like this,
I found out the boy Sarah has been fooling around with was Logan. I broke down in Hangers with my friend Anna. She didn't think I'd care that much, but I lost it and just teared up. Oh I knew...secretly I was expecting something this bad to jump up and tear another piece of me away. It always happens. She was complaining about how he adored her in private but pretended he didn't even know her in public. Well that sounded a bell that was all to fermiliar to me. I was infuriated, how could she do that to herself, and how could he do that to me. My second big shock was that neither of them would be at the concert I thought they we're going to. Instead everyone was going to chillowak, way out of my reach. So I called him, and I told him it was his last chance to ever see me.
"I'm done, I'm done with North Van, I'm done with you. How could you do this to me? You obviously knew what was going on between me and Sarah, how could you do that? All you ever do it hurt me. ALL you EVER do is HURT me. I Love you, I love you so much and you don't care. I never want to see you again. I love you. Goodbye."
Then I stumbled into the photobooth, pulled the curtain in front of me and broke. Completely. I thought, now what do I do? What do I do? What have I done. You invest so much in a person and when their not there anymore, what do you do? He's my past and was my future. And now...he just isnt. To make it real, I went to his moms' house. I gave her the ring he gave me five years ago and I told her everything. Lisa is an amazing, important person in my life and she understood all too well how it felt to not get anything but give and give and give. That's what ended her marriage, and I knew I could talk to her about it. And now I'm finished. And I'm terrified, and I'm so hurt and so lost...
But I know I'm going to be ok, because I have people who care about me. And because it has to. | | |
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